Remembering..... (Part 1)

In honor of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness day, I wanted to share my story.....and spend a little bit of time remembering.

When I was a mom to two small children born 14 months apart, it was all I could do to make it through each day (and night, for that matter since neither of them slept through the night!) My mothering was all-encompassing. I was exhausted and cranky at times, but happy through it all.

By the time Caleb was six months old, I was pregnant again, but I didn't know it until I was 2 1/2 months along and in extreme pain. I went to my doctor, found out about the pregnancy, and was sent home having been told that I needed to take it easy. Based on my LMP, the doctor thought I was only a few weeks along, so there were no ultrasounds done. I suffered excruciating pain for the next week and a half that would come and go. I bought bottles and planned to transition Caleb to the bottle in order to give this new little baby a chance at life. I bought a double stroller so I would no longer be carrying Caleb on my hip while pushing Shelby in a stroller. I fell cautiously in love with the idea of a new life inside of me....a new sibling to play with the two we already had.....and vowed to do everything I could to help this baby along. But it was not to be. My lab levels of the HCG hormone fell, indicating the baby was not viable, and I found myself in the out-patient surgery unit signing the paperwork for a D&C.

Later that evening, I was admitted to the hospital. The doctor had found my uterus empty when he did the D&C and admitted me for observation. By the next morning, I was doing poorly. An ultrasound showed a tubal pregnancy and lots of internal bleeding. I was rushed back off to surgery and the tiny life was taken in an effort to save my life. I never got to say goodbye....

I spent the next six months recuperating. I had lost so much weight through the ordeal that I was a mere 110 lbs. and needed to focus on healing myself. Finally I found out I was pregnant again! I was so excited after the 6 wk. ultrasound showed a beautifully beating heart in the right place! I blissfully went through the next 5 wks. of pregnancy with the thought of this sweet little baby and how it would fit into our family. We even brainstormed names for the baby at family home evening one night.

Life was good....and then it was not.

I woke up one morning and just did not feel right. I can't explain it any other way....there was no pain, there were no indications that anything was wrong, but I desperately wanted an ultrasound. I called and scheduled an appointment even though my 12 wk. checkup was in 5 days. The doctor tried to hear the heartbeat to no avail. He told me it happens all the time, don't worry, we'll just pick it up on ultrasound, everything's fine.

He was wrong. There on the ultrasound screen was an eerily still image. I knew what the baby's heartbeat should look like, and there was none. Leery of having two back to back D&C's, I went home to wait for my body to miscarry on its own.

Waiting is a difficult thing. In times of disbelief and stress, denial often happens. After 12 days, I was calling my doctor's office begging them to bring me back in. You see I had never felt better. I had been desperately praying and I knew that I had the faith for my baby to live. God can do anything. If he wanted to, he could have made the first ultrasound be a mistake. My body was not progressing toward miscarriage and I was anxious to prove that a miracle had happened. A very kind and compassionate nurse brought me in and showed me once again, a still ultrasound. She held me and comforted me while I sobbed. Then she scheduled me for surgery the next morning.

The miracle was not to be.....and I said goodbye to my second baby.

(to be continued....)