Going Back To Work....

A lot has been going on around our house these last few months. Chris has come up against some challenges at work that he felt threatened his job security and I found myself back in the job market in an effort to provide something to fall back on if he were to lose his job.

It was not a comfortable transition for me from stay at home mom to job seeker. Initially, I was scared to death! It is amazing how difficult it is to step out of your comfort zone and go on an interview when you haven't done something like that in 17 years! There was a lot of blood, sweat and tears poured into the job search.....okay, maybe not blood, but definitely ALOT of prayers!

We are so fortunate in our church to have LDS Employment Services. I cannot say enough good things about the advice and help I received from our ward employment specialist. He walked me through writing a resume, filling out online applications and even did a mock interview with me. It went a long way toward helping me feel at ease throughout the process.

I applied for a part-time job with the health department about 30 minutes from here. It seemed like a good place to start since that was my first (and only) job as a dietitian. I was under no illusions that I would be called to interview.....I figured it was just such a huge step to fill out an online application, so that was one hurdle crossed for me. I was shocked 3 weeks later when they called me to set up an interview. And I guess I was a little excited too.

Then all out panic set in! I had always been so sure of myself as a dietitian. I was at the top of my class in college and got accepted for the best internships. My reviews were always stellar. And yet now I found myself feeling incredibly insecure. What if I didn't remember things? What if my vast volunteer experience wasn't viewed as worthwhile? What if I no longer measured up to workplace standards? And what if I *gasp* made a total fool of myself?!!!

The night before the interview, it started to snow....I mean REALLY snow! I am not the type of person who goes out driving in the snow. For years I have been the one who stays home for 3 days till everything melts, and now I was faced with the prospects of a 30 minute drive on possibly icy roads to make a good impression. Add to that the fact that my children were now all home from school due to the storms and it more than flustered me. The interviewer called and gave me the option of doing a phone interview, but I felt like I would make a better impression in person, so I prayed for safe travels, left my kids home to play Wii and headed out into the cold.

The interview was nerve-wracking! I was given several case studies and had to analyze them and make a dietary plan on the spot. My technical skills were absolutely rusty! There were some things that came back easily (like how to chart using SOAP format) and other things that slipped my mind till the next day....at which point I thought "I am such an idiot! I can't believe I forgot that!" But the good news is, IT CAME BACK! I left feeling rejuvenated and realizing that yes, I still really do love dietetics!

I did not, however, think I would get the job. It was a longshot. It was also not a very good fit for our family. The position was a travelling position and the hours were anytime between 7 am and 8 pm. When you try to fit that in with a husband who is travelling and 5 kids in 5 schools with only 2 of them being picked up and dropped off at home, it does not really work.

Christmas came and went and I did not hear back about the job. I didn't even bother to call and check on it. Things settled down some at Chris' work. My children got sick and I found myself cradling Savannah in the middle of the night and thanking Heavenly Father that I didn't have to worry about going to work the next day. We spent all day together with me revelling in the opportunity to serve her and love her and care for her while she was sick. For two full weeks, I had someone home sick every day. What was I thinking??? There was no way I could have gone back to work!

And then today they called....

The job has not been filled and they wanted to know if I was still interested. I didn't know what to say. Was it an answer to our prayers that we would be able to provide for our family? Or was it a test to see if I would compromise my stay at home motherhood? I struggle because I know that eventually I will need to go back to work, and for most of the world, it looks like the time is right when your kids are all in school.

But somehow I feel like my work is not done here at home....there is mothering yet to come. There is something necessary in the simple act of picking your 17 year old daughter up at the bus stop and shuttling her 5 minutes to work. It is a crossroad, and I want to be there, at least for these last few months before she leaves home forever. There is something to be said for sharing warm brownies with a middle school boy when he opens up and wants to tell you about the people who picked on him today, the two A+ grades he got on tests and the one B that he was a little discouraged about. If I had not been there today, I wouldn't have seen his vulnerability and been able to encourage and build him up. There are the moments spent in carpool, the chances to have friends over, the follow up on chores and homework assignments, the presence of a mother in the home. It is still necessary; and maybe even more so now that they are older.

So, no, I don't think the time is right for me to be going back to work. Not this job, not this time. The professional me is a little sad, but the mother in me is rejoicing in the continued opportunity to be at home.

It has been a worthwhile process. I am looking differently now upon things that I need to be doing to maintain my professional knowledge and skill set, ways to build my resume with relevant volunteer service, chances for continuing education that I might not have been able to take advantage of with babies at home are now more doable. For all the stress these last few months have brought, I am grateful for the things I have learned in the process.